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10 Rich People Problems
10 Rich People Problems
-Written by: Christopher Dees Jr.
Peeking Into “Rich People Problems”
They say life smooths out once your bank account starts looking like a phone number with commas in it. But let’s be real… does it though? Here are 10 “Rich People Problems” I discovered while people-watching the upper tax bracket.
- Determining Which Politician Is Worth the “Investment”?
It’s tough out here for a donor. Which congressperson will give the best ROI? Should I go with the one who subtly nods at tax breaks during golf, or the one who calls me “sir” even though we’re the same age? Decisions, decisions.
Pro Tip: Follow the oil money, it always knows the way.
2. How Much Cosmetic Surgery Is Too Much?
2. How Much Cosmetic Surgery Is Too Much?
Is three facelifts too many? Should I match my jawline to my Lambo? Do cheekbones still trend in Q3? These are the questions that keep rich people up at night,inside their cryotherapy chambers.
Pro Tip: If your skin can no longer express emotion, it might be time to stop.
3. How to Appear Relatable Without Actually Being Around Regular People
3. How to Appear Relatable Without Actually Being Around Regular People
Do I eat a hot dog? Attend a ballgame? Post a TikTok pretending to pump gas? The real trick is to seem relatable without risking actual human interaction.
Pro Tip: Have your assistant stage a grocery run. Make sure the cart includes bread, poor people love bread.
4. How to Keep Bilking Poor People While Pretending to Help Them
4. How to Keep Bilking Poor People While Pretending to Help Them
It’s an art form. Exploit labor, avoid taxes, then sponsor a scholarship for $500 and get a press release in Forbes. Win-win!
Pro Tip: A segment on Fox News can really help push the “man of the people” narrative.
5. Balancing Affairs, and Divorces While Preaching Family Values
5. Balancing Affairs, and Divorces While Preaching Family Values
It’s not hypocrisy if your PR team says it isn’t. Just hug a flag on camera and all will be forgiven.
Pro Tip: Saying “I’ve found God again” works 97% of the time, especially in election years.
6. Choosing Which Offshore Account to Hide Your Money In
6. Choosing Which Offshore Account to Hide Your Money In
Cayman? Panama? Switzerland? Or do we go with crypto this year? Diversifying your financial shadows is exhausting.
Pro Tip: Don’t forget to donate just enough to a disaster relief fund to keep your name off leaked documents.
7. Buying a Superyacht That’s Slightly Bigger Than Jeff’s
7. Buying a Superyacht That’s Slightly Bigger Than Jeff’s
Because nothing screams insecurity like owning a $600 million boat you only use once a year, just to park next to your rival’s and feel superior for 17 minutes.
Pro Tip: Helicopter landing pads are out. Mini-submarines are in.
8. Making Sure Your Nepo Baby Still Thinks They Earned It
8. Making Sure Your Nepo Baby Still Thinks They Earned It
You want them to believe they climbed the ladder, even if you bought the ladder, the building, and the entire city block.
Pro Tip: Let them intern at your friend’s VC firm. Nothing says "bootstrap" like latte-fetching in a WeWork.
9. Keeping the Help Happy Without Paying a Living Wage
9. Keeping the Help Happy Without Paying a Living Wage
It’s a delicate balance: underpay them, overwork them, but give them an Amazon gift card for Christmas. Generosity!
Pro Tip: Let them take a selfie near your pool (not in it) for social media morale boosts.
10. Deciding Which “Philanthropic” Venture Will Get the Most Press
10. Deciding Which “Philanthropic” Venture Will Get the Most Press
Do I save the polar bears? Start a foundation for clean water? Fund a space telescope with my name on it?
Pro Tip: Always choose the cause that offers naming rights and a gala with celebrities.
Final Thoughts
Final Thoughts
It’s a tough world for the ultra-wealthy. So the next time you’re losing sleep over rent or juggling bills, take a moment to remember: somewhere out there, a billionaire is agonizing over whether the floors in his third vacation home should be tiled with marble from Tuscany or the Maldives.
Fuck it....everyone’s got their struggles.
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